Painting Lillie / A Currier and Ives Christmas

For the past fifty-six years, my church has put on a Broadway-style Christmas production known as the Singing Christmas Tree, an outreach that has been directed by my father for the past seven years. With a full orchestra, drama, choreography teams, children's chorale, costumes, massive sets and decorations, and a 30 foot tall tree structure filled with choir members to top it all off, this is hardly your average church Christmas play. The production takes a full year of planning and nearly 400 volunteers to bring the original vision into fruition.

I have been involved in the SCT since the time I was born, playing baby Jesus as a 3 week old. Since my family moved back to California my involvement ranged from being in the children's chorale, to drama, then the apprentice choreography team. This year, I was cast as the lead role, and it has been incredibly humbling to see how God developed me through these past 5 months of rehearsals.

I first heard about the main role while I was sitting in my Dad's office, listening to him brainstorm  with his team. The story would be set in 1895 New York City, with the main character coming on a train from somewhere in the Mid-West in order to follow her dreams of becoming an illustrator for Currier and Ives, just like Fanny Palmer (an actual historical figure). On the journey there, the main character, Lillie Gardner, would lose her portfolio and consequently be denied the illustrator job. This, however, does not upset Lillie in the least. She radiates positivity and confidence, knowing that her future lies secure in God's hands and that He will lead her to much better things than she could ever imagine. In past SCTs, the main character is in a place of struggle, and is led to the truth of what Christ did for him/her through the other characters. This year's lead, however, already has the answer, and it is she who transforms everyone she comes in contact with. As I heard my dad describe this part, I felt a tugging on my heart. I thought, "I would love to play that part," but these faint thoughts were promptly dispelled as other people's names were thrown out as possibilities for the role. "Oh well," I thought. "Perhaps I will get a role as one of the factory girls. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to handle that big of a part anyway."

When auditions rolled around I still possessed the hope that perhaps, if God willed it, I might obtain the role. Maybe, just maybe, I would have what it took... As the audition progressed I found myself reading Lillie's lines, and feeling like these words were meant for me. Not that I needed to be the one to express them or that this character was just like me, but that I needed to hear the message in her heart. I sensed that God was speaking to me, teaching me, gently replacing my thoughts with His perfect truth. Here is the line I most remember touching my spirit...

"I'll admit this is a definite change in plans, but it is not a setback. Nor does it call for me to respond in panic, fear, worry, or tears. Tears are precious and purposeful, for showing empathy and compassion to others, but certainly not for self-pity. No, the good Lord guards my steps, and guides me on the paths that I tread. He led me here, and if it's not to get a job as an artist, than for another purpose."

I had always been one that had to have everything just so. An inflexible perfectionist who often became anxious and upset if things weren't going the way I planned. This entire year the Lord has been working on me, showing me how to surrender every aspect of my life to Him. I knew in my head that God's plan was the best, that He cared deeply and intimately for me and had everything under control, but I had a difficult time believing it in my stressful moments. As I spoke these words during the audition, I felt them cut me to the core. I had spent so much time in my life "crying over spilled milk" so to speak, rather than showing sympathy for others who were going through far worse times. Though Lillie's dream fell to pieces before her eyes, she was able to bless God's name, and thank Him for the new direction she trusted He would provide for her life. I wanted faith like that.

I was certainly surprised when I found I had been cast as the lead, not to mention unsure if I would be able to carry a whole show, but I trusted that I was given this position by God's design, and that He would provide me with the strength and ability I needed in order to share this year's Christmas message in the way He intended. It is hard to even describe all the ways the Lord has shaped me during this past season. Through this role, He has taught me how to trust and rely on Him in ways that I never would have been able to before. I have grown and matured so much these past few months, both as a performer and an individual. I thank God for this incredible opportunity that has allowed me to touch others' lives, while having my own transformed as well. It will be thrilling to see how God's plan for my future will unfold. I eagerly anticipate the adventure that awaits.

My Revelation

Lately I have been reading Revelation, a book that has left even the most astute Biblical scholars undecided on it's true meaning. While it's true that this book is filled with many bizarre images and mysterious prophesies, these words contain God's truth and are purposed for us, His children, to prepare us for the last days. I do not understand much of what is said here, but today I felt that God revealed part of His meaning to me.

A few days ago I read about the beasts that will arise and lead the world astray. I didn't know what to make of this (especially the great beast with the ten horns symbolizing ten kings), and my mom directed my to Daniel 7 for some clarification. This chapter is an account of a dream Daniel had about the four beasts that come from the four corners of the earth, ending with the great beast with the ten horns. I really didn't know what kingdoms most of these beasts could represent, but as I was reading I couldn't help but feel how strongly the first beast made me think of America. Here is the description of it from the Amplified version:

"The first [the Babylonian empire under Nebuchadnezzar] was like a lion and had eagles's wings. I looked till the wings of it were plucked, and it was lifted up from the earth and made to stand upon two feet as a man, and a man's heart was given to it." - Daniel 7:4

The reason I immediately thought of the U.S. goes back to Revelation 18:2-3. "And he shouted with a mighty voice, She is fallen! Mighty Babylon is fallen! She has become a resort and a dwelling place for demons, a dungeon haunted by every loathsome spirit, an abode for every filthy and detestable bird. For all nations have drunk the wine of her passionate unchastity, and the rulers and leaders of the earth have joined with her in committing fornication (idolatry), and the businessmen of the earth have become rich with the wealth of her excessive luxury and wantonness." Could this be a description of the two towers that fell on 9/11? I am not saying that the terrorists who bombed and attacked out people were right or justified, but God does use the wrath of others to judge His people, and events in history have more far reaching significance than we realize. 

Back to Daniel... America was built on the ideal of freedom and opportunity. An eagle was chosen to symbolize our nation, and birds and flight have often represented freedom. In this verse, the feathers of the beast are plucked, yet for some reason the beast does not seem to fight it. It almost appears willing to lose it's feathers. At least, this passage doesn't give me any reason to believe otherwise. Then the beast is given the heart of a man. What could that mean? During this past election, I felt strongly that America had taken a turn. I cannot say if that turn was good or bad, but it was evident to me that the majority of Americans didn't want the old ideals anymore. We decided that rather than freedom, we would prefer tolerance and acceptance of others. Liberty in exchange for the good of the whole. Our wings, for a heart. 

I understand that I may have succumbed to miss-interpretation, and the words concerning the end-times have been viewed as possessing many different meanings throughout the ages. I believe that there will be a final day when these prophesies are fulfilled, just as the the words foretelling Jesus' birth to a virgin was a literal event that really happened. There will be a final End-of-Days, but at the same time, we are all in the last days all the time. Our individual lifespans our limited, as are the lives of those around us. We do not know how much time we have left, but we do know that there are people who have yet to know the love of our Savior. Let's not lose the urgency in spreading His message to others.

The Monotony of Mono

Lately, I have been quite under the weather. For weeks now I have been perpetually tired, quickly depleted of energy, and often inhibited from attending events I would otherwise gleefully participate in. These symptoms can be attributed to the disease known as Mono. For those unfamiliar with it, it is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus, typically affecting very young children or older teenagers. At its height, it can cause a sore throat, fever, incredible fatigue, and swollen lymph nodes. Most of these symptoms only last for a week or two, but the fatigue endures and can last for two to three months.

I was diagnosed with mono in early March, but I think I had it even earlier than that, as I continued to go back and forth between being well and being sick. Thankfully, I am over the most disagreeable stages, but I still continue to be in a state of continual exhaustion. It seems that even when I get hours upon hours of sleep, the heavy haze will not dissipate. This has caused me to get behind in some of my school subjects and miss many youth group activities. Being the type A individual that I am, this has been far from pleasant.

The most distasteful thing about this whole experience has been that I have had tremendous difficulty sleeping, even before the mono came on. (It was probably this lack of sleep that caused me to catch the virus in the first place.) I had no idea why I couldn't sleep. I was doing all the "right" things, avoiding electronics an hour before bed, taking warm baths, etc., but no matter what I tried I could not get to sleep. Some days I would come home and burst into tears because of the sheer exhaustion I could not make go away. Other days I would cry as I got ready for school because I was frustrated by how little sleep I got the night before. Soon I realized that I was sleeping fine on the weekends, but could not do so on the days when I had school the next morning. After talking to my parents, we realized that perhaps I was becoming apprehensive about school the next day, working myself into a restless frenzy that I wouldn't get enough sleep, inevitably preventing me from doing that very thing. I began praying with them before bed, and I instantly noticed a tremendous peace come over me afterwards. It was incredible how placing myself in God's hands relieved me of all my stresses. Those nights I slept blissfully.

Unfortunately, this did not always work. There were still nights where I could not fall asleep. I became frustrated at this continuous cycle, where I would suffer from lack of sleep for multiple nights, and then become so exhausted that all my body could do was rest; I would then sleep fine for a few nights, but the apprehension would creep back in, causing more sleepless nights during the week. I felt as if I had reached my whits end. Eventually, I came to the realization that perhaps the reason I couldn't sleep was because I wanted that deep rest so badly. I tried so hard to fall asleep, that my body wasn't able to enter into that crucial lull. It is only when the mind is allowed to drift aimlessly that it can proceed into the regenerative sleep cycle. Even with this realization, I wasn't able to immediately surrender my desire to "conquer" sleep. I still had to train my mind to take every thought captive that exalted itself against the reality of Jesus Christ, the reality that he remains in control. (2 Corinthians 10:5) I had to continually be reminded of the fact that no matter what my present circumstances, God has an incredible plan for my life. I cannot know now what part these trials have to play, but I do know that through anything I can lean on Him, and He will carry me through.

One day when I was particularly exhausted once again, I was driving to school. It was a beautiful morning, and the sun was breathtakingly radiant. As I came over the top of a hill, I was met with the sight of dark, heavy, looming clouds overhead. In that moment I sensed that my God was speaking to me, not with audible words, but thoughts which were too instantaneous and precise to come from my own mind. I felt that these clouds were a metaphor for my current trials. Heavy and unexpected, and preventing me from experiencing the suns rays that had just recently filled me with a sense of hope. Nothing I did made them come, and nothing I could do would make them go away. Even though I could no longer see the sun, it was still there. The promises it had given in the past were not void just because I did not sense them now. I know the analogy may seem cliche, but the hope given by the knowledge that the sun will come out again was so real for me in that moment. I knew that God was still there, he still cared, and I would emerge from this darkness.

Near the beginning of the year, I had been thinking of how I was dissatisfied with my current relationship with God. I was contemplating the passion of people who God has rescued from very dark situations, and how it seems that those who have been the most lost are able to love God with the most enthusiasm. I have always been brought up in a Christian home, been raised to make good choices, and been blessed with so many things that I don't deserve. I began to be frustrated, because even though I appreciated all of the incredible things God had granted me, I didn't feel like I had the capacity for proper appreciation. I felt that I wouldn't be able to fully be struck by the glory of God's light unless I experienced what it felt like to be in darkness. I suppose in that sense, insomnia and mono have really been blessings in disguise. They have both brought me to a greater understanding of who God is, and helped me to learn to surrender and lean on him. While I am not through it yet, I hope to continue learning how to lean on God and trust in Him in all things, for His plans will always work together for good.

"But He said to me, My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weakness and infirmities, that the strength and the power of Christ may rest upon me!"
- 2 Corinthians 12:9