Lately, I have been quite under the weather. For weeks now I have been perpetually tired, quickly depleted of energy, and often inhibited from attending events I would otherwise gleefully participate in. These symptoms can be attributed to the disease known as Mono. For those unfamiliar with it, it is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus, typically affecting very young children or older teenagers. At its height, it can cause a sore throat, fever, incredible fatigue, and swollen lymph nodes. Most of these symptoms only last for a week or two, but the fatigue endures and can last for two to three months.
I was diagnosed with mono in early March, but I think I had it even earlier than that, as I continued to go back and forth between being well and being sick. Thankfully, I am over the most disagreeable stages, but I still continue to be in a state of continual exhaustion. It seems that even when I get hours upon hours of sleep, the heavy haze will not dissipate. This has caused me to get behind in some of my school subjects and miss many youth group activities. Being the type A individual that I am, this has been far from pleasant.
The most distasteful thing about this whole experience has been that I have had tremendous difficulty sleeping, even before the mono came on. (It was probably this lack of sleep that caused me to catch the virus in the first place.) I had no idea why I couldn't sleep. I was doing all the "right" things, avoiding electronics an hour before bed, taking warm baths, etc., but no matter what I tried I could not get to sleep. Some days I would come home and burst into tears because of the sheer exhaustion I could not make go away. Other days I would cry as I got ready for school because I was frustrated by how little sleep I got the night before. Soon I realized that I was sleeping fine on the weekends, but could not do so on the days when I had school the next morning. After talking to my parents, we realized that perhaps I was becoming apprehensive about school the next day, working myself into a restless frenzy that I wouldn't get enough sleep, inevitably preventing me from doing that very thing. I began praying with them before bed, and I instantly noticed a tremendous peace come over me afterwards. It was incredible how placing myself in God's hands relieved me of all my stresses. Those nights I slept blissfully.
Unfortunately, this did not always work. There were still nights where I could not fall asleep. I became frustrated at this continuous cycle, where I would suffer from lack of sleep for multiple nights, and then become so exhausted that all my body could do was rest; I would then sleep fine for a few nights, but the apprehension would creep back in, causing more sleepless nights during the week. I felt as if I had reached my whits end. Eventually, I came to the realization that perhaps the reason I couldn't sleep was because I wanted that deep rest so badly. I tried so hard to fall asleep, that my body wasn't able to enter into that crucial lull. It is only when the mind is allowed to drift aimlessly that it can proceed into the regenerative sleep cycle. Even with this realization, I wasn't able to immediately surrender my desire to "conquer" sleep. I still had to train my mind to take every thought captive that exalted itself against the reality of Jesus Christ, the reality that he remains in control. (2 Corinthians 10:5) I had to continually be reminded of the fact that no matter what my present circumstances, God has an incredible plan for my life. I cannot know now what part these trials have to play, but I do know that through anything I can lean on Him, and He will carry me through.
One day when I was particularly exhausted once again, I was driving to school. It was a beautiful morning, and the sun was breathtakingly radiant. As I came over the top of a hill, I was met with the sight of dark, heavy, looming clouds overhead. In that moment I sensed that my God was speaking to me, not with audible words, but thoughts which were too instantaneous and precise to come from my own mind. I felt that these clouds were a metaphor for my current trials. Heavy and unexpected, and preventing me from experiencing the suns rays that had just recently filled me with a sense of hope. Nothing I did made them come, and nothing I could do would make them go away. Even though I could no longer see the sun, it was still there. The promises it had given in the past were not void just because I did not sense them now. I know the analogy may seem cliche, but the hope given by the knowledge that the sun will come out again was so real for me in that moment. I knew that God was still there, he still cared, and I would emerge from this darkness.
Near the beginning of the year, I had been thinking of how I was dissatisfied with my current relationship with God. I was contemplating the passion of people who God has rescued from very dark situations, and how it seems that those who have been the most lost are able to love God with the most enthusiasm. I have always been brought up in a Christian home, been raised to make good choices, and been blessed with so many things that I don't deserve. I began to be frustrated, because even though I appreciated all of the incredible things God had granted me, I didn't feel like I had the capacity for proper appreciation. I felt that I wouldn't be able to fully be struck by the glory of God's light unless I experienced what it felt like to be in darkness. I suppose in that sense, insomnia and mono have really been blessings in disguise. They have both brought me to a greater understanding of who God is, and helped me to learn to surrender and lean on him. While I am not through it yet, I hope to continue learning how to lean on God and trust in Him in all things, for His plans will always work together for good.
"But He said to me, My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weakness and infirmities, that the strength and the power of Christ may rest upon me!"
- 2 Corinthians 12:9
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